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Renegotiate Your Relationship With "No"
Inner Radio Executive Coaching Newsletter
Jennifer Ouyang Altman
April 14, 2023
The inspiration for this newsletter stemmed from an exchange I kept having. I’d see someone and they’d say, “I love your LinkedIn posts!” On one hand I felt validated and awesome that people were getting something from my writing. On the other hand I thought, “what a shame” because I had no idea! I understand people can be shy on social media and not want to share potentially vulnerable reactions in full view. Thus, the newsletter was born to connect with you all, most who I am not working with 1:1, but who I’d love to connect with all the same. So don’t be shy! Share in the privacy of email your reactions, questions, and updates 😊
1. Blog Post
Renegotiate Your Relationship With “No”
No.
No...
NOOO.
What feelings are you sensing as you read these “No”s? Frustration, unease, disbelief?
We’re conditioned to think “No” is bad news and can have an intense reaction to the word. At a recent talk, I received questions from the audience asking how to overcome this phenomenon:
When I hear “No” I get so angry / flustered / upset that I can’t have a productive conversation anymore. I lose my composure. I lose my train of thought. I get lost. I certainly don’t get what I want.
As a social species we have a deep desire to belong and can feel rejected when hearing “No.” I get it. AND if we’re in a healthy relationship long enough, we’re going to hear “No” eventually. “No” can actually be the key to deepening our relationships and getting what we want – if wielded responsibly.
I often share that in sales we learn “No” doesn’t have to be a bad word. In fact, “No” is necessary to get a deal done. If I’m not met with a “No” while I’m trying to sell a multi-stakeholder enterprise software deal, I’m worried I have a case of Happy Ears. It means I’m missing something. No deal with any sort of heft gets across the finish line without a “No” somewhere along the way that was critical to uncovering what was really needed to secure the partnership. Can you imagine if every time I heard “No” in sales I became angry or flustered? I’d never win. My prospects wouldn’t either. There would be no relationship.
Now as an executive coach I hear my clients complain about getting yes’d! I asked an executive, “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 is poorly and 10 is superbly, how well does your C-suite work together?” His response:
“Well I’d say a 7 but the reality is probably a 5.”
Why? Because he’s getting yes’d. His direct reports are telling him: Yes, things are going greeeaaat. I looove working with Steven. He adds soooo much value to the team (picture a forced, grimace face here that suggests otherwise).
Another client talked about how furious he gets when his direct reports “Yes” him when they clearly don’t understand the assignment. Five minutes later he mentioned his mom was visiting and that he always says “Yes” to her because it’s not worth the effort to say no. “She never ever changes her mind.” It was an opportune moment to talk about the yessing dynamics with his direct reports.
We live in a world that glorifies “Yes”. We assume we should hear yes and have a frictionless exchange when we ask for what we want. I’m not into it. Because sometimes “Yes” means I’ve given up, I don’t care, or I’m hiding something.
Feeling a little more open to “No” now?
Still, we grapple with the fact that so many conversations descend into chaos after the word “No” comes up. What gives? We can be taking a ride up the Ladder of Inference.
The Ladder of Inference was introduced by Chris Argyris and popularized by Peter Senge. I like to call it the Ladder of Inferiority because at the end someone’s labeled as inferior:
I think you’re inferior.
I’m certain you think I’m inferior.
I think I am inferior.
A short summary of what happens:
We witness a behavior.
We unconsciously cherry pick the pieces of information we take in.
We assign meaning to those behaviors.
We layer on assumptions that may or may not be true – essentially we go to judgment town.
We come up with conclusions that ignite emotional reactions.
We adjust our beliefs based on those conclusions and feel convinced. I knew it.
We act based on those new beliefs and feel justified.
What does this look like?
I suggest an idea and receive a No.
I hear the No. I don’t hear anything else they might have said.
I assign meaning. No means they must think it’s a dumb idea.
I add layers of assumption. They must think I’m dumb.
I conclude: They’re never going to trust me again.
I believe our trust is broken and they will ask other people for ideas now.
Here’s where we get to the Actions:
7a) Some people choose to turn away from “No”. They feel sullen, defeated. Ugh, I’m so dumb I should have never spoken up with that dumb idea. (I think I’m inferior.)
7b) Some people choose to turn against “No” with anger or disgust. You know what, if they think I’m dumb I don't care because I’m not dumb. I don’t even care, they’re not even that good at their job. See, this is me, not caring. See ya. (I’m certain you think I’m inferior. I think you’re inferior)
This is a great way to eject ourselves out of the conversation.
And there’s more
What can contribute to this reaction is Identity Threat, a concept taught in Interpersonal Dynamics at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business. I see myself in a certain way, as a smart, competent or creative person with good ideas, and when that identity is threatened, I get defensive. I feel protective of the image I have of myself, which catapults me up the Ladder of Inference.
Another contributing factor is Coherent Stories, a heuristic explored by Daniel Kahneman. Stories are how we make sense of the world. We want a coherent story so badly that, in the absence of complete data, we start to make things up, even if those stories are unflattering, even if they are untrue. In fact, in times of stress our stories skew to worst case scenario. This is clearly not great for our conversations because if I respond to you based on assumptions in my head, there’s a pretty good chance I misunderstand something about you, and you don’t feel seen, heard, understood. And then you react with your own assumptions (that may or may not be true), and around in circles we go.
Think about it this way. We see “no” embedded in “nothing”. We also hear “no” embedded in “nothing” aka silence. How many times has someone been silent in response to our idea and we think, “Oh they hate it” and take that right up the Ladder of Inference and land on “They’re a jerk”, “I’m dumb”, or some version of, “What is wrong with you?”
“What is wrong with you?” is my Ladder of Inference canary in the coal mine. It’s either directed at someone else or myself. Short circuiting this reaction to “No” can prevent us and our relationships from suffering.
When you hear yourself think, “What’s wrong with you?” think instead: What’s going on so you’re showing up like this?
When we ask this question, we are choosing to turns towards “No”, rather than away or against it. This question can shake us from the Ladder of Inference when we recognize the assumptions we’re making because we lack information (Coherent Stories) or because we want to protect a part of our self-image (Identity Threat). Asking: What’s going on so you’re showing up like this? helps us combat Fundamental Attribution Error — when we underemphasize situational factors contributing to someone’s behavior and overemphasize their disposition or personality (They’re a jerk).
If we make room in our hearts for “No”, we’ve got a shot at discovering a new way of seeing the world – in other words – learning. “No” is an essential part of learning about others and ourselves, so we can create deeper connections between us and get what we want.
2. Recommendation
The Jolt Effect by Matthew Dixon and Ted McKenna
The authors of The Challenger Sale released Jolt Effect last year and if you’ve ever heard “I need to think about it some more” get in the way of getting what you want, read on.
It’s no secret I think we’re all selling a lot of the time. The authors studied thousands of sales conversations and make the case that the majority of deals are lost due to indecision. You know what that’s like. A request goes into limbo land. It fizzles out. Nobody said “Absolutely not”, but nobody said “Absolutely yes” either.
The book shares the dynamics at play (errors of commission versus errors of omission) and strategies to overcome buyer indecision. After reading, I even found myself in a situation where I was the indecisive buyer and was able to identify the driver of my indecision from the JOLT framework and ask the seller for what I needed to feel more confident moving forward and get what I wanted. Good sales is good for the buyer and the seller.
3. The Goings On
We brought a 35mm film camera on our recent vacation and asked a woman to take our photo. She took the camera, examined it, and asked, “Is this unlimited?” before taking this photo. Her unfamiliarity with the technology was funny. What was also funny was how the scarcity made her slow down and contemplate how to take her shot.
The slowing down of vacation also helped me get ready to take my shot at the month ahead. At Stanford GSB I joined the High Performance Leadership course team this spring and continue to support Interpersonal Dynamics. You’ll also find me facilitating the Stanford Continuing Studies course: Building Interpersonal Skills.
In other news, I overcame my decade-plus-long-fear of re-joining competitive tennis and played in a mixed doubles league this winter. We will be competing in sectionals in a couple weeks. Will keep you posted. Hope you’ll do the same!