Being Dubbed a "Rising Star": A Blessing Or Curse?

Welcome to a Special Edition of the Inner Radio Newsletter!

Many of my clients are c-suite executives who, somewhere along the way, have been called rising stars. They find identity in their work, are outstanding performers, and sometimes need help figuring out how to shift from being a heroic leader (who takes on everything) to a more sustainable leader.

I’m thrilled to introduce my newsletter guest Jennifer Kim. She’s the Founder and CEO of Workflow, a company helping startups fix how they hire and scale. I came across Jennifer’s newsletter, Safe For Work, was drawn in by her real talk about the Talent and People space, and thought “I need to talk to this woman.”

Our conversation explores this topic relatable to many high-powered professionals – what it means to be dubbed a “rising star” as well as the pressure, the fall, and the recovery that comes with it.  Being a “rising star” –  Is it a blessing or a curse? Here’s what emerged from our exchange, edited for your reading ease. Enjoy!

Jennifer Altman (Me): When was the first time you were dubbed a rising star?

Jennifer Kim: I’m about to give an obnoxious answer that’s the equivalent of “I can eat anything and never get fat,” but don’t worry. The story will get much juicer and in just a couple of minutes, I’ll share the details of my humbling downfall. 

I’ve been considered a “rising star” from the very beginning of my career in startups. I was getting promoted every year without having to ask for it, and was given a ton of responsibility by executives. It’s partially due to the fact that the startup environment is a great fit for me – it’s in my nature to be entrepreneurial, wear a lot of hats, develop teams, etc. I felt valued and important in work – which will be relevant later – but I felt like I was quickly outgrowing the roles and environments I was in (it’s relevant that I was starting out in recruiting, a function which traditionally has very low expectations). With every job I left, my bosses offered all kinds of titles, money to try to keep me. On one hand, this was flattering – again, feeling important – but on the other hand, I started to realize perhaps I wasn’t asking for enough while I was in those roles.      

The fastest “rise” I felt was at a tiny startup, where I came in as the first product/customer success hire, then went on to hypergrowth and I found myself as a 26-year-old Head of People sitting at the executive table. I wasn’t perfect at it, I was new at it after all – but I also really excelled in that role and built a startup that was widely recognized in Silicon Valley for being a forward-thinking, sought-after place to work. This is going to sound dramatic, but there was also a dark side to that success, something brewing that would end up throwing off my trajectory – and it’s how hopelessly I lost a sense of myself as my sense of identity got completely tied up in work.

Me: What did that look like and how did it happen?

Jennifer Kim: You know, I was in my mid-twenties, so the joke was, that the company was my boyfriend. A silly joke that speaks to my affinity and commitment, but also reveals a precarious set up. On one hand, habitually seeing the positive impact of your work is great for your self-confidence, and in a hypergrowth startup, it can be intoxicating. Feeling important and truly getting to make an impact is like no other drug for a certain type of person. But self-confidence built on external factors is fundamentally shaky and WILL eventually come crashing down. It’s so important to channel that newfound confidence into a much more stable, internal-focused foundation of self-esteem, but I didn’t have anyone around me to share that at the time, and a fast-paced startup doesn’t exactly carve out time for it either.

Me: Right – it’s like, “I'm executing well, I'm doing something that's meaningful and impactful in the world. I'm doing it with a team that is awesome together. So why wouldn't I want to spend all my time here?”

Jennifer Kim: It can be so fun and fulfilling. The problem is, there's no limit. Companies can grow on an exponential trajectory, but that’s not how humans work. Even the most impressive leaders go through different rhythms on their journey – no one has a completely linear path (if they say they do, they’re either in denial or lying). Everyone reaches some kind of limit at different points. And depending on circumstances, the crash and burn can be really tough.

Me: What was it like for you?

Jennifer Kim: The biggest signal was the burnout – which by the way, as common as it is, is still so stigmatized and misunderstood. It takes achievement-oriented people usually months to even recognize and admit what’s happening to them, and I was no different. I couldn't deny it anymore when I felt my body falling apart with the stress, anxiety, insomnia, etc. I found myself asking some wild questions – for example, when I started having issues with my reproductive systems: “Am I really willing to sacrifice my health and the ability to have kids someday – for this job?” Looking back now, this seems so bonkers but at the time, my reality had gotten so distorted.  I’d reached a point where the equation of how much I was giving and throwing myself into the fire, versus how much I was getting out of it did not make sense, especially in a startup with infinite challenges.

I think I would have really benefited from having access to more stories and perspectives about burnout, which was significantly harder to find back then – that’s why I’m here now, talking to you about it!  For people to be speaking about burnout from a more healed place really helps others. To remind them that this is not normal. And it gets better. And to know that a large contributor to burnout is organizational and societal factors, not just individual – though the person almost always blames themselves entirely, e.g. “This happened  because I'm weak. I couldn't cut it. I couldn't handle the growth.” That was definitely true for me, but what I didn’t recognize in the moment was how much I was affected by the context and office politics. 

Me: In regard to organizational factors –  we get these external rewards for extending ourselves in ways that aren't good for us. We’re told by bosses, “I’d rather have you do this than anyone else.” It’s an ego-feeder.

Jennifer Kim: Yes, certain kinds of praise from someone who has power over you, i.e. your boss, is very powerful. Like I said, it can be great for building self-confidence, but tricky if it’s not being complemented by a lot of inner work. After all, if someone in an authority position, maybe you even admire them, says to you, “You’re so important. And I really need you to step up more.” It’s very hard to respond, “Actually, I should be grounded about this and tread very mindfully!” No, many high-achievers will happily throw themselves into the fire pit.

Being a rising star entails many external rewards, but it can also put you on a path of becoming dependent on it, developing an identity around it – instead of growing internal resources in parallel and building a sense of healthy ego and self esteem. That is ultimately what’s in your control, not any titles, access to important people, flashy company brands/valuations, etc.

Me: You mentioned people having power over you. How did being this rising star affect your savvy of power dynamics and office politics?

Jennifer Kim: The biggest difference is the shift of attitude from the beginning of my career vs. now. I used to very much buy into the idea of, “If I have the best ideas, work the hardest, do what's best for the company, good things will happen.” It can, but it’s not the complete story. There’s also another game around how power really works in organizations, which is all about the subtle and invisible things that happen behind doors. I’ve learned to be a lot less naive, realize how much of the game really is about real connections, and deliberately opt out of the political games that’s easy to fall into. It’s allowed me to play a much smarter game now. 

Me: So, what would you say you pay attention to more now?

Jennifer Kim: I’m extremely hardworking and independent by nature – the mantra of my early career was practically “Give me ALL the responsibility, and I’ll absolutely kill it” – and it’s been more of an adjustment to work in collaboration. It sounds weird to admit that, but it’s true, I’m not the best collaborator by nature and I’ve come to accept it.  But it does mean I take teams and partnerships very seriously. So whenever I hire a new employee or my company signs a new partnership or client, the act of commitment is very important to me. Not just, “Oh that sounds cool, I’ll just say yes and figure it out later” but more like, “This person will have power over me (or vice versa). What does that mean? Can this person be trusted with more power? How will we know when things are off-track?” This is as opposed to a more Pollyanna-ish attitude of, “We’re all here to be friends and indiscriminately inclusive!” It’s understandable – appealing, even – but that’s not how business works. 

Me: Do you think if someone pulled you aside early on in your career and told you all this advice and perspective you would have listened?

Jennifer Kim: Some of it I definitely would have put away in my mental filing cabinet to pull out later, but some of it – probably not! With these types of growth lessons, you just have to go through the pain yourself, you can't just listen to other people's mistakes.

Me: Unfortunately.

Jennifer Kim: The philosophy that drives my career today is valuing the inherent uniqueness of the individual. You, with your unique set of strengths, motivators, context, etc. is inherently the most rare thing you have control over, and thus, most valuable – not any external markers of success. The more you work on self-development and preserve that, while stretching into new ways of expressing yourself, and finding environments that bring out the best of you. That actually is the much more sustainable, fulfilling approach to your career, and I know I’m never going back to the old ways.

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio, a leadership coaching company working with executives hungry to define their leadership style, build effective interpersonal relationships, and harness the power of team. She facilitates communication and leadership courses with Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and is a CEO coach for Berkeley Haas’ CEO program. She is a LinkedIn Top Voice and her work has been published in the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post. She believes in the rules of radio: clarity, simplicity, and personality. You can’t speak and listen at the same time.