Beyond Likability: Navigate Between Being Liked and Driving Results

This time of year I’m reminded of the image of a child picking daisies off a petal saying, “He likes me, he likes me not” seeking the truth in a flower friend.

What happens when we play this game at work and care too much about being liked?

1. Beyond Likability: Navigate Between Being Liked and Driving Results

To some degree we want to be liked at work. It’s part of our need to belong, feel wanted, included, a part of a community. But much like anything, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. When leaders care about being liked more than influencing others and getting things done, then we see problems.

We have great intentions of course. We want to be seen as empathetic. We want to do things FOR people not TO people. It all sounds great in theory, but in practice this mindset can cause chaos on your team. Why?

David McClelland, american psychologist who studied human motivation, called leaders who are motivated by being liked above all else affiliative managers. In his studies he found affiliative managers to struggle in the effectiveness department. In my practice I see an over-emphasis on “being liked” drive some bad habits that actually aren’t so likable:

Avoid delivering tough feedback

Conflict? Hell no. Affiliative managers can default to flattery and fluff even when they don’t mean it. They can have a tough time being direct, so as their direct report you don’t know where you really stand. shudder

Don’t compete

Affiliative managers shy away from competitive situations that could lead to innovation and motivation for the team because of a fear of creating any tension in the group. They fail to recognize that some tension is a natural part of high performing teams.

Go with the flow

Doesn’t that sound nice? Except when we are heading straight for an iceberg and really really need to change course. Affiliative managers can accept group norms even if they don’t agree with them, even when they are not good for the team. They may avoid taking sides because they worry about hurting the feelings of one member. They may punt decisions and over-rely on group consensus. They need all the data before making a decision so they can be seen as fair. 

Make exceptions to the rules

In an effort to be liked and seen as understanding, affiliative managers will make exceptions to the rules for team members. Granting exceptions left and right disregards standard procedure. Direct reports are left feeling weak and directionless. Are these the rules? How do I engage? What’s acceptable here? These are all distractions from getting things done. 

Get steamrolled 

Trying to be everything to everyone is a losing game. Affiliative managers may acquiesce to client requests to avoid conflict, but put their teams in a rough spot to contort to client wishes. Over time, clients start to take advantage of this type of manager and direct reports lose faith that their leader will stand up for them. 

Fear receiving negative feedback

Not only do affiliative managers fear giving negative feedback, they also fear receiving it. It’s their fear of rejection coming to life! They may not be able to handle negative feedback, internalizing it as criticism. They may get sidelined by their emotional threat response and not hear the nugget of wisdom that can support their growth.

So here’s the question, if we are dialing down our need to be liked, what are we replacing it with? 

Try the need for power, defined as the ability to influence, impact, and make things happen.

Focusing on power widens our aperture. When we think about our impact and ability to influence others we begin to look beyond ourselves and to look beyond right now.

We are no longer worried about “do people like me?” We are thinking about “are we getting things done?”

We are no longer worried about making an exception to the rules for an individual. We are focused on the bigger picture of how lots of individual accommodations impact the culture as a whole. 

We are no longer focused on the immediate pain of giving and receiving negative feedback, but understand the longer term gains. 

So maybe two better questions to ask than “Does he likes me? Does he like me not?” are

“Am I looking beyond me? Am I looking beyond right now?”

2. Recommendation

The Relationship Cure by John Gottman

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, was able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple divorces after watching a short clip of their argument. The factors predicting divorce were not whether they argued but how they argued. Although the studies focused on couples, it’s easy to make the jump to how these factors can also be detrimental to professional relationships. He names bids as the foundation unit of human connection. A bid can be a gesture, look, a question – anything that signals a desire to connect. Our positive or negative response to this desire for connection says a lot about the direction of the relationship. “It’s almost as if all the good feelings they’ve accumulated by responding respectfully and lovingly to one another’s bids form a pot of emotional ‘money in the bank.’ Then, when a conflict arises, they can draw on this reservoir of good feeling.” Notice the bids others are making to you today and your response. Your relationship depends on it!

3. The Goings On

I’m not sure there’s a more heartwarming show than the Great British Bake Off. How are they all so nice and supportive of each other? It’s a competition, right? I would not call myself a baker, but I do bake when inspiration strikes. Some people get tactile release from gardening, ceramics, or quilting. I like using my hands to cook and bake. It’s a different kind of building with different kinds of textures. The latest addition to our baked good rotation is an excellent Bran Berry Muffin.

Muffins are great because they are cupcakes in disguise. (It’s not that great a disguise, and I pretend not to notice I am eating a pastry for breakfast.) But these muffins actually convince me I’m not taking a sugar bomb to the belly first thing in the morning. I added frozen berries in, and fruit is good for you, I hear. 

Recipe, from Smitten Kitchen and made with some TLC from yours truly.

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio, a leadership coaching company working with executives hungry to define their leadership style, build effective interpersonal relationships, and harness the power of team. She facilitates communication and leadership courses with Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and is a CEO coach for Berkeley Haas’ CEO program. She is a LinkedIn Top Voice and her work has been published in the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post. She believes in the rules of radio: clarity, simplicity, and personality. You can’t speak and listen at the same time.