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Think about someone who is making your job harder right now.

They promised you resources that have yet to appear. Or your boss keeps focusing on something you consider completely irrelevant. Or your second-in-command pushes back on every decision. Your internal response is probably some version of:

What is their problem?

And that, Gentle Reader, is the problem.

Organizational psychologist Karen Jehn ¹ pioneered a useful distinction between two kinds of workplace conflict.

Task conflict is a disagreement about the work. What should we do? Who owns what? How do we get this approved?

Relationship conflict is when the disagreement becomes personal. Why are they being so difficult? Do they not trust me? What is their deal?

While task conflict can sometimes be productive when it stays focused, relationship conflict consistently erodes trust, reduces information sharing, and harms performance and satisfaction.

One can so quickly become the other, where we go from trying to solve a problem with another person to trying to solve the problem of the other person.

That leap is easy because of what psychologists call correspondence bias ²: our tendency to explain someone’s behavior by who we think they are while underestimating the situation they are operating inside.

Psychologist Daniel Gilbert and his colleagues proposed that social judgment often unfolds in two steps:

When people in their studies were mentally occupied, they were less likely to account for the situational pressures shaping someone’s behavior. Which is inconvenient, because as leaders you are often quite mentally occupied. 

Managing this bias comes up often with clients. When it does, we work on moving from “me versus you” mentality to “us versus the problem.”

I’ve seen how hearing the specifics of someone else’s experience can help a leader see new possibilities in their own.

So this week, I’m sharing a few recent moments from my coaching practice when clients shifted from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.”

My hope is that one of these reframes sparks a new way of seeing a leadership moment you’re facing right now.

One client was preparing to negotiate a seven-figure deal. She had spent months becoming a trusted partner to her internal champion. Then it was time to negotiate.

Nothing dramatic had happened. Her champion had not started getting cagey. But in my client’s mind, the relationship began to change.

She started imagining the champion as an adversary. She felt nervous, bracing for conflict before the negotiation had even begun.

Our work was to reset the mindset. 

Entering a negotiation didn’t mean she had to abandon her role as a trusted partner. The job was to continue in that role to help the buyer get final approval. 

Her mindset went from:

Me vs. You

Now that we are negotiating, you are on the other side. I need to brace myself and defend what I deserve.

To:

Us vs. the Problem

We both want this solution to happen. How do we structure a deal that allows me to do good work and that you can successfully champion through final approval?

Another client had been dealing with ongoing miscommunication with his supervisor, who kept focusing on an area my client thought was irrelevant.

The internal story became: Why does she keep inserting herself here? She is derailing the project.

My client did something brave. He asked for a direct conversation about roles and responsibilities. It turned out his supervisor felt off, too.

She did not know where she was supposed to help or what support my client actually wanted. She was relieved to finally talk about it.

My client moved from:

Me vs. You

You keep interfering in something I should own. I need to get you to back off.

To:

Us vs. the Problem

I know you want to be helpful. I also realize I haven’t been clear about the priorities of this project or where I could most use your support. Let’s figure that out together.

Another client was preparing to reach out to a potential collaborator whose approach looked very different from hers.

The first version of the outreach was framed around that difference. It put them on opposite sides before they had even spoken.

My client moved from:

Me vs. You

Your approach misses something important. Let me explain why mine is better.

To:

Us vs. the Problem

This outcome matters to you. It matters to me too. I think my approach could help you get closer to the goal you care about. Want to talk?

I could give you dozens more examples. Even for seasoned, experienced leaders, pressure makes the brain do weird things.

It’s hard to see that your teammate is visible and therefore easier to blame. Meanwhile, the confusing process, competing incentives, unseen pressures, and missing information are not. And what I love about coaching is helping leaders catch that trap in the moment so they can make different decisions that actually get them what they want.

The next time you’re feeling irritated or nervous about someone who is making your job harder, relocate the problem from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.”

I partner with founders, VPs, and C-level leaders stepping into bigger roles with more visibility and more responsibility (and inevitably, more opportunities to second-guess yourself).

Together, we get clear on your distinct leadership style — the values, judgment, and point of view that set you apart from your peers (and AI).

I love helping clients walk out of high-stakes meetings with that deeply satisfying afterglow of having handled something hard, handled it well, and handled it your way.

Here’s a look at how I coach. If you’re dealing with a sticky dynamic right now, hit reply and tell me what’s on your mind.

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