Enough With The Eggshells

You finally landed the position of your dreams – leading an entire department or even an entire company. But suddenly it seems you need to be so careful with what you say or you could accidentally send your team into a tailspin.  

Remember those carefree days when collaboration meant tossing around ideas, soaking up feedback, and genuinely feeling like part of the team? Well, those days seem like a distant memory. Your role has changed. People’s perception of you has changed. Somehow you’re now simultaneously under a microscope and wielding a megaphone, leaving you feeling hindered and restrained.

I get it. Here are a few patterns that left me, and many of my clients, walking on eggshells: 

Do you know what’s on my plate? 

When I floated the initial spark of an idea to gather input, I was met with blank stares. I didn’t know what was going on. Was it a terrible idea? No, the blank stares were the team doing the calculus of how in the world they were going to execute on this big idea given what was already on their plate. 

Wait what? No, no, no, it was just an idea! But somehow my fledgling idea immediately turned into Priority #1.

Deflate gate

When someone brought an idea to me, I assumed they wanted my thought partnership, so I started teasing the idea out. I asked a seemingly innocent question: “How would we do that?” and witnessed the excitement drain from my team member’s face like a deflating balloon. 

Wait what? No, no, no, I’m trying to help! 

Everything is great…so great

When I asked for feedback, everything would be great. But if everything was great, I wouldn’t sense so strongly that everything wasn’t great. And then after hearing about issues second hand I asked, in frustration, why didn’t anyone tell me?!

Wait wait? No, no, no, I’m not mad. Please tell me when something is wrong.

I felt resigned, saddened, just really quite bummed that I couldn’t show up the way I used to. I couldn’t show up as me. I started holding back, becoming so cautious with my communication I wasn’t communicating nearly enough. My relationships suffered, my effectiveness suffered. 

After having a “this can’t be it” moment of reckoning, I realized that I was playing into a false narrative in my head.

• I can’t show up the way I used to – True

• I can’t show up as me – FALSE

I realized there are a lot of different ways I can show up as me. The challenge was discovering new, effective ways to. Rather than feeling hindered, looking at the challenge this way felt expansive, full of possibilities and discovery.

Part of stepping into leadership is expanding your repertoire. You can still show up as you, just differently. Here’s how:

Own your impact

If you’re leading a team, department, or company, you already have impact. Consider this a continuation of your impact journey. Your role-related influence has kicked up a notch. Your words carry more weight. Instead of shying away from reality, reframe. What becomes possible with your new influence? What’s your vision for your team? What do you want to get done? This is your chance to share your point of view at a new level. 

Share intent

The key is to share more, not less. As I mentioned, a simple one-off remark sharing your idea can be interpreted as, “Let’s do this immediately,” giving your team whiplash. Get clear on what your intention is and then share. It can be as simple as, “I’m sharing this idea to get the wheels turning, not to suggest any immediate changes.”

Similarly, when your teammate comes to you with an idea, a one-off question like “How would we do that?” can be interpreted as, “That’s a terrible idea. How would we even do that?” Mistaking your inquiry for interrogation happens when your teammate’s inner critic is whispering (or yelling), “Your manager isn’t going to take you seriously!” To quiet your teammate’s inner critic, share more of what you’re thinking: “I love your creativity, let’s dig a little deeper so I understanding your vision for this. How would you see us bringing this to life? I’m asking so I can help you think through the details.”

Get specific

When you want to remove barriers for your team, you ask for specifics on what you can do to help, right? Well, it turns out specificity helps both when you give help and when you ask for help. I’ve shared previously in this newsletter that asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” doesn’t get you what you want. Instead, think about what it is you want feedback on. Maybe you want feedback on how you came off on a call with a strategic client. Get even more specific. What do you want feedback on about the call? If you’re worried you came off as too deferential, ask that. 

It’s the difference between: “Do you have any feedback for me?” and “Hey, can I check something out with you? In yesterday’s meeting with Strategic Client, I’m worried I came off too deferential and put the team in a tough spot. How did I come off to you?”

Recognize that your greater influence is an opportunity to share more of yourself, not less. So, enough with the eggshells. Your vision, your intent, your needs – they all matter. Embracing this evolution in your leadership will help you meet the new demands of your role and allow you to be a lot more…you.

And, if you want to learn more about how to bring more you into your leadership, let’s talk.

The Goings On

Who gets to coach amazing leaders every day? I do! This month I kicked off coaching The Obama Foundation USA Leaders. We’re already diving into how to wield influence and the importance of paying attention to work relationships, not just the work. It’s a joy to be a part of their journey to advance the common good. They are doing so much good.

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Want to learn more about how I help hungry leaders quiet their inner critic, discover what they want, and ask for it? Hit reply and let’s chat!

Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio and communication and leadership course facilitator at Stanford Graduate School of Business.