The Problem

I’ve fallen into this trap many times, and I’m betting you have too: You come across advice that sounds simple and think, Great, this is how I’m supposed to lead. But somewhere along the way, you realize that what you’re doing doesn’t quite sit right. Your behavior starts to feel less like you and more like you’re playing a part. Instead of showing up as yourself, you end up putting on your “leader hat”—and that shift feels forced. You feel awkward. Others feel awkward. It lands as well as trying to tell someone else’s joke.

The Discovery

Over a decade ago, I was tasked with leading a team of 40 front-of-house staff at a $10M restaurant in New York City. These weren’t high schoolers looking for a summer job. These were career servers, some with as many years of experience in hospitality as I had been alive. I was intimidated, and I wanted to step up to be taken seriously. Of course, my inner critic was having a field day, screaming, This is a joke that you’re in this role.

Good thing I had heard that great leaders are decisive, direct, and stand their ground in tough situations. Coupling that advice with my fear and self-doubt, I decided I needed to act like I knew exactly what to do in every situation. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? The last thing I wanted was to be seen as weak. So, I told people what to do. I didn’t listen to my team. You can guess how well this turned out. The very behavior I thought would make people take me seriously did the opposite. It made my worries come true.

The Experiment

Years later, I know better. And I know you do too. But there’s still a difference between knowing better and doing better. After coaching dozens of executives, I’ve seen firsthand how certain pieces of leadership advice, when taken too literally, can cause trouble. Here are five of my favorites:

1. Be Quick: Give Feedback in Real Time

You’ve likely heard that giving immediate feedback is crucial for learning and performance improvement. But sometimes, when a meeting goes sideways, and you're feeling frustration, shock, or disappointment, the urge to give feedback immediately feels urgent.

Your inner critic might say:
“If you don’t speak up now, you’ll miss the moment. Give the feedback while it’s fresh.”

But in reality, those big emotions need space to settle first. "Fresh" feedback often ends up being rushed and harsh. 

Food for thought: Metabolize some of your big emotions before sharing your feedback by reflecting on:

• Ownership: How did I contribute to this? 

• Outcome: What do I want out of this conversation?

• Framing: How can I frame my ask in terms of what my audience cares about? 

When I look back, I realize that feedback delivered later, after reflection, saves me a lot more time than giving harsh feedback in the moment that I need to clean up after.

2. Be Direct

You've probably heard: Be direct. Learning to be more direct is one of the most common goals students have in the Interpersonal Dynamics (aka "Touchy Feely") course I facilitate at Stanford Graduate School of Business. It’s a popular goal because being direct can feel terrifying. Why? Because many leaders believe that being direct means saying whatever is on your mind, without a filter. And what’s often in our minds without a filter can be judgmental and full of blame.

Your inner critic might say:
“Don’t be a wimp. Show these people who’s boss. Channel Logan Roy.”

Being direct doesn’t mean being a jerk. It’s about communicating your thoughts clearly without the condescension. In Interpersonal Dynamics, students learn how to be direct, not demeaning. 

Food for thought: Become aware of the stories in your head—stories based on assumptions and interpretations—and learn how to untangle those stories from the behaviors you observe.

• Recognize the story: What assumptions, guesses, or judgments are driving your emotions?

• Try a soft start: Share your feelings without blaming. “When you [behavior], I feel [emotion] because the story in my head is [story]. Is that what was going on?”

• Get clear on your goal: Are you being direct to improve the relationship, or to vent?

3. Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is often called an essential leadership trait. Back at the restaurant, I had a new skip-level manager, and I thought I could impress him by leading with vulnerability. I wanted to persuade him I was a trust-worthy leader on his team. In our very first meeting I led with telling him I was having a hard time memorizing the menu item ingredients. Oof. I was never able to recover myself in his eyes.

Your inner critic might say:
“Holding back means I’m not being authentic.”

I learned the hard way that leading with vulnerability has its limits. The key is to find appropriate vulnerability for your situation and audience:

Food for thought:

• Consider the timing: Sharing too much too soon, especially about deeply personal issues, can create distance, especially if the relationship hasn’t been solidified. Both the sharer and the receiver can recoil after – sometimes called the Rubber Band Effect. You will have more room to share vulnerably over time as trust is established.

• Be mindful of the magnitude: Your team needs to know someone is flying the plane. Vulnerability is important, but there are times when being too open can undercut your ability to lead effectively. For example, being overly vulnerable with your team about feelings of insecurity or uncertainty can make them question your ability to lead.

• Watch the frequency: While vulnerability has its place, constantly using it as a topic of conversation in every meeting or interaction can become draining and shift the dynamic away from results-focused work. If every conversation veers into your personal struggles, it can create fatigue among your team, who may feel they are constantly navigating emotional terrain rather than tackling objectives.

4. Be Curious

Curiosity is one of the best leadership traits—except when it’s a trap. A manager once asked me how I thought a presentation went. I felt confident that I’d followed his direction. But after I said some version of, “It went well,” he immediately criticized the presentation, pointing out how bad it was. That wasn’t curiosity, that was humiliation.

Your inner critic might say:
“Good leaders ask questions. I should ask a question to show I’m open-minded.”

Genuine curiosity happens when you’re open to having your opinion influenced. But if you’ve already formed a strong opinion about how something went, asking, “How do you think it went?” is not curiosity, it’s a set up. 

Food for thought:

• Check your intentions: Are you genuinely curious, or are you just opening up a conversation to express your own opinion?

5. Don’t Micromanage

Micromanagement gets a bad reputation, and for good reason. You’ve probably had a micromanager, and remember the frustration of feeling untrusted. But in trying to avoid micromanagement, you can swing too far in the other direction and end up not managing at all.

Your inner critic might say:
“If I start asking for updates or checking in too much, they’ll think I don’t trust them and call me a micromanager.”

Worrying too much about micromanaging can lead to a lack of clear expectations or follow-up, leaving you blindsided by the results and your team blindsided by your reaction. Then, you might clamp down and end up micromanaging after all.

Food for thought:

• Consider your direct report’s experience: Have they done something like this before, or is this a new task? Their level of experience can guide how much support and oversight they need.

• Be clear about what you need: If you need specific elements incorporated into the project or milestone check-ins, ask for them upfront.

• Ask what your direct report needs: Ask them whether they need more clarity or resources. Acknowledge that sometimes people don’t know what they need until they start the work, and encourage them to ask when a need comes up. 

The Takeaway 

Broad leadership advice is designed to appeal to everyone in every scenario, but not every piece of advice is meant to be applied everywhere. The challenge is understanding when to apply these principles and how to make them work for you. Because if what you’re doing isn’t effective, and it doesn’t feel like you, then what’s the point?

2. The Goings On

My daughter’s hips have found their way home. Her X-rays came back normal and she is officially out of her hip dysplasia brace. While we’re not completely out of the woods, for now, we are celebrating.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out with a kind message—whether about your own experience with hip dysplasia, babies, or how life and work weave together in unexpected ways. I appreciate you.

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