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The Problem
You know recognition matters. You want to give it. But right before you speak, the internal editor kicks in.
First, you question the frequency.
If I say "good job" today, do I have to do it tomorrow?
If I praise too often, I look like a cheerleader, not a leader.
Then, you question the substance.
This sounds fluffy. It feels performative.
If I’m not specific enough, they will roll their eyes.
You’ve spent years curating a reputation for high standards. The fear is that "nice" words will erode that hard-won edge—swapping your authority for forced positivity.
The Discovery
In the executive communication course I facilitate at Stanford GSB, we dedicate an entire module to praise.
The initial skepticism is understandable. Is this really a good use of our time? Isn’t this basic? I’m here for high-level strategy, not compliments.
But then, we ask them to run the experiment. We ask them to give praise that is specific, authentic, and meaningful.
When they come back, minds are blown. They are astonished not just by how their teammates lit up from the praise, but by how good it felt to give it.
This isn’t just about "feeling good," though. In Interpersonal Dynamics, another course I facilitate at Stanford, we reframe praise as a form of feedback. It is a deposit of relationship capital. It builds the trust you need so that when things get rocky—and they will—your relationship can withstand the turbulence.
We tend to view praise as "extra." But the absence of praise isn't neutral. It creates a vacuum.
When you hold back, your team is left to fill in the blanks. They are stuck playing The Guessing Game.
Guessing what you value.
Guessing whether they’re on track.
Guessing whether that extra effort even registered.
That guessing consumes energy. Energy that should be spent on the work, but is instead wasted on managing anxiety.
The Experiment
We are told constantly that praise needs to be "specific." But the interpretation of specificity is usually where leaders trip up. We tend to think specificity means reciting a play-by-play of what the person did. But a list of tasks isn't praise, it’s a receipt.
To move from receipts to meaningful influence, try expanding your praise into these dimensions. You don't need to use all of them every time, but try testing one per interaction.
1. Observable Behavior
This is the baseline. Research highlights this because it grounds the praise in reality. However, while citing the behavior is necessary, it is not sufficient. It describes what happened, but leaves out why it mattered.
The Shift: Move from labeling the person to describing the action.
The Script: Instead of "You’re a great team player," try: "When you paused your own work to walk Ryan through the new accounts..."
2. Emotional Impact
Many of you manage people who are more specialized than you are. They know if they did a "good job" technically—often better than you do. What they don’t know is how you feel about it.
The Shift: Move from validating the work to sharing your reaction.
The Script: "When you stepped in to help Ryan, I felt an immense sense of relief. I was worried about his ramp-up time, and knowing you were there allowed me to focus on the board deck."
3. Organizational Impact
You sit in a unique seat. You see how the pieces connect in a way your team often cannot. Don't assume they see the downstream effects of their work; connect the dots for them.
The Shift: Move from the isolated task to the ripple effect.
The Script: "Because you handled that client escalation with so much patience, you preserved our relationship with a key renewal account. That protects our Q4 goals."
4. Growth Reflection
We are with ourselves 24/7, which makes it nearly impossible to see our own incremental growth. It’s like watching a child grow—you don't notice the change day-to-day, but someone who visits once a month sees it instantly. You are that visitor.
The Shift: Move from a snapshot of today to a comparison of their trajectory.
The Script: "Six months ago, you would have jumped straight to a decision. Today, you pressure-tested the team with contrarian views first. That shows me you are becoming more strategic in your facilitation."
5. The Inquiry
Finally, you don't have to do all the talking. Sometimes the best way to validate someone is to treat their work as a case study worth learning from. It invites them to share their thinking, which is often more valuable than the result itself.
The Shift: Move from delivering a compliment to asking a question.
The Script: "That rollout was incredibly smooth. How did you do it? What was your process? I’d love to understand how you thought through the sequencing."
The Takeaway
It’s the difference between my husband telling me, "I see how hard you’re working on your newsletter" (observable behavior)...
...and me wanting to bury my head and hide because I don’t know the ending of that sentence. Is he annoyed I’m working late? Does he think I’m wasting my time?
Versus him telling me:
"I see how hard you’re working on the newsletter (observable behavior). I think it’s so cool what you’re sharing (emotional impact). It’s clearly helping a lot of people (broader impact). You’ve gotten so much faster and your writing is tighter (growth). What changed in your process (inquiry)?"
One leaves me anxious. The other leaves me seen.
Feel the difference?
But here is the catch: I only got to the second version because I knew how to ask for it.
When you understand the anatomy of meaningful praise, you don’t just become a better praise giver. You become better at teaching the people around you—your boss, your peers, your partner—how to give you the recognition you actually need.
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