The Problem

Are you pulling your hair out, waking up in the middle of the night stewing, and wasting countless hours stressing out about how to influence the Know-It-All in your life? You know, the person you say these things about:

“I can see it coming. When someone shares an idea in our leadership meeting, I guarantee she will respond with ‘I thought of that. And that won’t work because…’” 

“He holds people to such high standards that it feels suffocating. He gets frustrated when others can’t keep up, but he’s not helping them get there.”

“I can’t even ask a question without it turning into a defensive, combative debate.”

I’m not talking about the healthy, assertive “lead with conviction” kind of knowing that’s vital in leadership. No, this is the unyielding, insufferable, “I must always be right” kind. 

It’s exhausting to be around Know-It-Alls. The truth is, it’s exhausting to be a Know-It-All, too. I know–because I’ve been there.

The Insight

What fuels Know-It-All behavior? Often, it’s fear. For me, it was fear of losing credibility. The more status I got at work, the more I didn’t want to lose it. This loss aversion fueled my inner critic. It screamed: One wrong move and you’ll lose it all.

The story in my head was that changing my mind, saying I didn’t know, even praising my peers meant I was conceding I was second best at best. So I didn’t. That wasn’t fun for anyone.  

What finally cracked this case of hard headedness? A senior teammate whom I respected and who knew me well was kind enough to say:

You’re not playing in the big leagues.

What?! I thought I was doing everything right. In fact, I was obsessed with doing right and being right. But my teammate showed me how my behavior trying to influence was actually hurting my influence. Since then I have been acutely aware of the inner critic’s trickery, scaring us into Know-It-All tendencies like: 

• Staying rigid in the face of new information

• Struggling to empathize with other perspectives

• Constantly pointing out how unstrategic everyone else is

Take it from me, Know-It-Alls are unaware that their attempts to gain credibility are precisely the behaviors that are causing them to lose credibility. They’re not trying to be arrogant, they’re trying to be influential. They’re not trying to be insubordinate, they’re trying to be powerful. 

The Experiment

I’ve now worked with dozens of senior leaders trying to influence Know-It-Alls. If you’re hoping to influence the Know-It-All in your life, here are a few ideas to break through the noise. 

1. Recognize the Know-It-All In Us All

I can be a Know-It-All. So can you. Don’t believe me? Tell me if any of the following sound familiar:

Perfectionists: If everyone just did things the right way, to my standards, everything would be so much better.

Overhelpers: They need my help. They don’t realize it, but I know what will make things easier for them.

Winners: If they’d just follow my example, they’d be successful too. I know what it takes to win

Individualists: ​​No one else understands this as deeply as I do—I’m the only one who can really see the truth here

Researchers: I’ve done the research, so I know I’m right. They need to understand this as clearly as I do.

Skeptics: They’re not considering all the risks. I have to make sure they see what could go wrong.

Visionaries: They don’t realize how incredible this could be! I just have to get them to see the possibilities.

Challengers: No one’s willing to say it, but I will. I know I’m right, and I’ll make sure they hear it.

Peacemakers: I see both sides clearly—why can’t they?

My guess is one or more of those hits home. Recognizing our inner Know-It-All is a crucial first step in approaching the conversation with the mindset, tone, and messaging that is most likely going to get heard. Because trying to convince their Know-It-All while indulging yours? That’s doomed. 

2. Invite A Conversation

When working with clients frustrated with the behavior of the Know-It-All , I often ask my client if they know what’s behind the Know-It-All’s behavior.

100% of the time my clients’ initial answer is some version of “I have my assumptions, but I don’t know”.

To get through to the Know-It-All, lead by example and invite a conversation with genuine curiosity. What’s the easiest way to invite a conversation? With a question of course. That can be as simple as:

Hey, when you [insert behavior], what was going on for you? 

Then listen. The response will give you much more data about whether the behavior is a simple misunderstanding or a fundamental misalignment. The mistake I see leaders make is that they have “the feedback conversation” over and over again, but don’t ever ask the question, “what was going on for you?” and then get frustrated when the Know-It-All doesn’t respond. 

It’s pretty hard to feel motivated to change when you feel talked at rather than listened to. 

3. Speak their language

Once you listen and learn what the Know-It-All is attempting to achieve with their behavior, you can start framing the conversation in those terms. A few things the Know-It-All may be attempting to achieve: 

• Credibility: the reputation for being knowledgeable or an expert in a particular area

• Visibility: the degree one’s presence or contributions are recognized in a public setting

• Autonomy: the freedom to make decisions independently, allowing for self-direction and control

• Novelty: the preference for new, unusual, or innovative experiences

• Mastery: the desire to improve one’s skills, often through continuous learning and challenge

For example, if a teammate is shutting down other people’s ideas, thinking that it builds their credibility, you could respond with something like:

You know, that makes a lot of sense that you’re wanting to show up as a leader. I think that’s really important, too. And, I think highlighting some other team members’ ideas that support your vision would increase your influence and credibility by aligning the group towards a common goal. What do you think about trying it out in our next meeting?

4. Tell them you believe

We think trying to prove ourselves comes from the need to be believed. Trying to prove ourselves actually comes from the need to be believed in. The Know-It-All often craves a teammate who sees more in them than they see in themselves and who can help them minimize mistakes. If you can be this teammate, the Know It All will dig deep and find another gear for you. You might say:

You have such a sharp eye. I want to help you push your limits and discover what more you can do, beyond what you’ve already achieved.

5. Reward vulnerability

The Know-It-All has to see it to believe it. You give feedback with your reactions whether or not you use the word “feedback”. When a teammate changes their mind, asks genuine questions, or admits they don’t know something, celebrate it. Publicly. The Know-It-All’s comparison radar is sharp. They’ll notice. Your praise might nudge them toward similar behavior. 

I'd like to shout-out [Teammate's Name] for not being afraid to admit they were feeling confused during our discussion today. This kind of honesty is crucial for our growth and innovation and sharpened our thinking for the rest of the conversation.

The Takeaway

People in Know-It-All mode are often blind to how their behavior limits their influence. It’s hard to be in the room where it happens when your teammates don’t want you in the room. And while we easily spot these tendencies in others, we rarely recognize them in ourselves. 

The good news? When we approach these conversations strategically and with curiosity, we can break the cycle—for them and for us.

Just remember that whatever you say has to sound like you and match your relationship with the Know-It-All. In my case, my teammate was more direct with me because of our relationship. If navigating your specific difficult dynamics with Know-It-Alls feels overwhelming, you don’t have to struggle alone. Reach out to learn more about the strategies that amplify your leadership presence and allow you to ask for what you really want (from the Know-It-All and anyone else).

2. The Goings On

Let’s play a game. Find a friend and say, “Can I give you some feedback?”

Now say it again as nicely as you possibly can. What did you notice? If you’re like many of my workshop attendees, it turns out that no matter how nicely we ask this question, the person on the receiving end still immediately goes on defense.

This was a playful way to kickoff a recent workshop on feedback. By the end of the session I asked, “What word are we not going to use in our feedback?” and was met with a resounding “Feedback!” — I was tickled happy.

Speaking engagements have been a hugely fun addition to my coaching practice this year. The task of distilling many 1:1 coaching hours into a talk is no small task. But those who know me know I love a good storytelling challenge.

I was going to write about speaking at Ascend NorCal’s IAG Conference earlier this month. But then someone who attended my session wrote it better:

Turns out attendees from my other sessions on quieting the inner critic and building executive influence have a way with words too:

I coach people on asking for what they really want, so in taking my own advice:

I want as many people as possible to learn the skill of quieting their inner critic. I want as many people as possible to feel less stressed about giving and receiving feedback. I want as many people as possible to discover how to be more themselves in their leadership.

If you’re looking for people to say 👆🏼about your conference, retreat, or professional development event, I’m booking now for 2025. Let’s chat!

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio. She facilitates leadership courses at Graduate School of Business and coaches senior leaders to quiet their inner critic, discovery what they *really* want, and ask for it.