The Tone Of Effective Negotiation

Appreciation is in the air. The sun is (finally) out and some of my gut troubles have (finally) subsided. It has made me keenly aware of cherishing the small moments since the seemingly small stuff can have a big impact. The combo of my own appreciation and recent coaching conversations gave rise to this month’s post. Enjoy!

1. The Tone of Effective Negotiation

Typically it’s not the message that kills a negotiation, it’s the tone. You know what I’m talking about: there’s a sharpness, an accusation, a robotic distancing that’s just off. It can change the entire trajectory of a conversation. When we can come from a place of understanding and appreciation, our tone softens, we become more human, and there’s a shot at coming to a solution that everyone can live with.

Express Appreciation. It’s the title of Chapter 3 in Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro. It’s a persistent theme in my coaching practice.

>> An executive team needs to make tough decisions about potential layoffs. One executive suggests preserving their department and shutting down the other. Another executive thinks that’s preposterous.

>> An executive team needs to align on what investments are being made in their product this year as they’re preparing to miss their sales number and work out their story to the board about what’s realistic.

These are tough conversations that need to happen and are often highly emotional. Sometimes in tough emotional conversations our ears turn off. We hear, but don’t listen. As a result, blood boils and people are labeled as: Unbelievable! Incompetent! Selfish!

Fisher and Shapiro urge us to take a beat and find the merit in what others think, feel, and do in order to be better negotiators and get what we want. What does that look like?

See the merit in what other people think, feel and do. This is not playing pretend. You have to see the merit, share the merit, and be sincere about it. Why is this important? Because it impacts our mindset and approach to negotiations which ultimately comes out in our tone.

If you’re getting stuck and not able to find the merit in what the other person is thinking, feeling, or doing – then you don’t have enough information. So, ask about it.

“Tell me more”

“What do you mean by that?”

“What’s causing you to feel XYZ?”

You’ll get there. The information you uncover will not only help you see the merit in the other person’s behavior, it will help you express it to them so they feel heard. They soften, become more human, and there’s a shot at coming to a solution that everyone can live with.

2. Recommendation

Beyond Reason is foundational reading to Stanford’s Interpersonal Dynamics course, where I first was introduced to it. Roger Fisher is widely known for international best-seller Getting to Yes. His co-author Daniel Shapiro is founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program. The detailed anecdotes and specific dialogue examples bring concepts to life that help the reader go from theory to practice — I bet you’ll see yourself somewhere in there.

3. The Goings On

I found myself next to an NFL player and a Grammy winner on Positively Filipino’s Remarkable and Famous list. For the past year, Positively Filipino has been running a series on notable Filipino Americans who have made their marks in this country. My mother was born and raised in Manila before her family immigrated to Canada and then the States. In elementary school, I performed the Tinikling, a traditional Filipino bamboo dance, to show our class traditions from a different culture. I played Sungka, Southeast Asian mancala, with a beautiful wooden board and puka shells that are still at my parents’ home. I have the joy of knowing and tasting halo halo, suman, polvoron, and other homey sweet treats. I’m honored to be included on this list and hope to keep doing what I’m doing. I appreciate all your support along the way.

Let's stay connected
Say hi
Link in
Read on