Let's Talk About What You Actually Want

The Problem

The other day I was asking myself the ultimate question, What do I want?

Most of us spend a lifetime dodging that question. Not intentionally. It’s just we spend years absorbing what everyone else wants. What your parents wanted. What your early bosses wanted. What your industry insists a “serious person” should want. What “real leaders” supposedly aim for.

You soak up enough of that, and it starts to sound like your own voice.

Except it isn’t.

The Discovery

When I ask clients the question — What do you want? — the responses fall into a few familiar camps.

The honest shrug: “I don’t know.” (often followed by a nervous laugh)
Straightforward and true.

The rambling response.
The long, winding explanation that sounds like someone trying to sound clear, but the more they talk, the more obvious it becomes that they’re circling with no place to land.

Some people answer with fear.
“I mean… I definitely don’t want to go back to XYZ.”
Which is useful, but naming what you don’t want is not the same as naming what you do.

Others give the polished, socially acceptable response.
The line they think they should want. It comes out flat, like they’re repeating a script they memorized a long time ago but never believed.

And then there’s the bashful confession.
The pause followed “okay, this might sound crazy, but…”
Usually followed by a glimmer of their own voice coming through.

And I’m right there with them. I get murky when it’s been too long since I’ve asked myself the same question.

One of my tells? If someone asks me what I want, I immediately look away. The question lands so piercingly that my reflex is to avert my gaze like a kid being interrogated about the missing cookies.

Sometimes it’s because I really don’t know, and I think I should.
Other times, I do know. I just haven’t quite given myself permission to say it out loud yet.

Either way, it’s a sign: I’m overdue for a check-in.

The Experiment

Some of us tiptoe around our wants like we might scare them off.
Some of us treat wanting like a luxury we haven’t fully earned.
Some of us avoid it altogether, like that “update software” popup we keep hitting remind me later on.

So this month, I want you to sit with a few questions. A short pause in your very full life to take the temperature. 

Pull up a chair. Here are your prompts:

When you hear the question “What do you want?” what’s your first reaction?
Overwhelm? Blank stare? A tiny spark? Confusion?
Whatever shows up first is useful.

Whose voices get the loudest when you try to decide what you want?
Your boss? Parents? Mentor? Team? The imaginary “committee of everyone I’ve ever met”?
Name the voices that crash the party.

Where in your life do you feel pressure to want something you don’t actually want?
Promotion timelines, startup speed, parenting norms…
The “shoulds” hide everywhere.

How confident are you right now in identifying what you want?
Rate it 1–5.
If you’re a 1, great.
If you’re a 5, also great. 

What’s one tiny thing you do know you want more of?
Not the big life overhaul. Something small.
More sunlight? More reading? More quiet? More laughing? More time where no one needs anything from you?
Magic happens in the small moments.

These questions give you a baseline — a way to see where you are. A way to see who you are.

If it feels awkward, good. That usually means you’re learning something new. 

The Takeaway

Knowing what you want isn’t a one-time event. I used to wish it was — that once you landed on a clear answer, you were set (This is me!). But life changes. I change. And actually, everything is always changing, darn it.

Checking in with what you want is a habit worth having. Staying connected to what you want is ongoing work, to notice what’s truly yours versus what you picked up by accident. 

And if this feels awkward or slow or frustrating, nothing’s wrong. It just means you’re paying attention and doing the regular, human maintenance required to be you.

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