Stop Using the Word “Feedback” in Your Feedback

The Challenge: Stop using the word “feedback” in your feedback.

Stay with me for a moment. Imagine someone says to you, “I have some feedback for you.” What’s your first reaction? Where does your mind go? How does your body respond?

After asking dozens of leaders I’ve coached, the answers are clear:

• “Instant distrust. I feel anxious, like a pit in my stomach.”

• “I assume it’s the worst kind of feedback, probably personal. My mind immediately catastrophizes.”

• “My heart races, I start to review everything I’ve done wrong, and I get defensive—ready to push back before the conversation even starts.”

In other words, people don’t typically anticipate positive feedback. The word itself triggers stress. Our collective terrible experience with giving and receiving feedback means that we hear the word and assume the worst. Our inner critic has a feeding frenzy. 

When someone has something positive to say, they rarely start with, “I have feedback.” Instead, it’s, “Great presentation!” or “You handled that client call beautifully.” Positive responses come without the dreaded preamble.

And even for those of you who say you love feedback, let’s be honest: you’re still assuming the feedback is constructive, not celebratory.

I’m guilty of using “feedback” in my feedback, too. Early in my career, I was nervous about appearing authoritative and being respected. I wanted so badly to be taken seriously, so I put my serious face on. Little did I know that was the first step to putting others on the defensive. I didn’t know back then that giving feedback is not about being authoritative, it is about being heard.

For the longest time I struggled to find a better way to start feedback conversations. It wasn’t until I participated in—and later facilitated—leadership and communication courses at Stanford Graduate School of Business that I discovered feedback didn’t have to be a formal “giving” or “receiving” process. It could simply be a conversation. When we focus on what’s really going on for us, we can find better ways to turn these moments into opportunities for connection.

So here are five ways to initiate a conversation about the impact of someone’s actions, without using the F-word:

Sample scenario: You want to discuss an exchange from this week’s leadership meeting that didn’t go as hoped.

• “There was a moment in this week’s leadership meeting where I think we missed each other—do you have time to chat about it?”

• “I haven’t been feeling great about how our exchange went in the leadership meeting—can we discuss it?”

• “I’ve been reflecting on part of our conversation during the leadership meeting and think there’s something worth unpacking—are you free to chat?”

• “There was a point in the leadership meeting where I thought we weren’t fully aligned—could we take a moment to go over it together?”

• “I’ve been thinking about our discussion during the meeting, and there’s a part I’d love to revisit—do you have time to talk it over?”

Now, imagine hearing one of these compared to, “I have some feedback for you.” Feel the difference? These openers offer a smoother onramp to tough conversations because they:

• Reference a specific event: Avoid generalizations like, “You always do this.” That can feel like an attack on character. Instead, be specific, and it’ll feel less personal.

• Keep it relational: Acknowledge that it’s about the dynamic between you—not just about one person’s actions.

• Invite dialogue: Each one ends with an invitation to talk, not an accusation. It’s a gesture of curiosity and openness.

From my days in sales, I learned the importance of semantics. How we ask questions matters and can shape the entire outcome. These are a few phrases that would work for me, but ultimately the words have to work for you. Tinker around with the phrasing, say the words out loud. Keep these key principles in mind: specific, relational, dialogue-driven.

And, if you want help finding your phrases and feeling more confident in those tough conversations, I can help.

The Goings On

I’ve had an on-again off-again relationship with wanting to run my own group coaching program. Not because I don’t see group coaching as valuable, but because I hadn’t landed on a combination of approach, content, and timing that works for me. Over the last few months I’ve had the opportunity to experiment and discover a world where group coaching could both work for me and work for the leaders I support. I coached small groups, big groups, groups whose members knew each other, and groups whose members didn’t. In the process, a few insights emerged loud and clear:

• Self-awareness is the foundation for self-leadership

• So much professional dysfunction stems from an overactive inner critic, which wreaks havoc on our tough conversations

• An immersive, peer-driven learning environment speeds up the integration of new mindsets and skillsets…by a lot

This is all to say, I’ve changed my relationship status with running group coaching to “on-again”, so expect to hear more about it soon.

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Want to learn more about how I help hungry leaders quiet their inner critic, discover what they want, and ask for it? Hit reply and let’s chat!

Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio and communication and leadership course facilitator at Stanford Graduate School of Business.