Validating a frustrated leader without escalating helps them put down the heavy token
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The Problem
Think about the last time your CEO or manager came to you with a concern. Maybe it was a revenue target tracking behind, a churned enterprise account, or a delayed launch.
Your instinct is likely to play the role of the steady optimist. We try to soothe them by assuring them everything is fine.
Yet, when you downplay the issue, your CEO doesn’t look soothed. Instead, their stress visibly spikes as they look at you and think: Am I the only one who sees the building is burning?!
I know this is happening because I coach these CEOs, and this is absolutely what they are thinking behind closed doors.
The Discovery
To understand why this backfires, let’s talk about tokens. Not AI tokens, but an idea attributed to Jean-Louis Gassée and popularized by Jason Fried: the Two Tokens.1
Gassée applied the idea to customer service, but it applies just as well to internal leadership. In a tense interaction, imagine that there are two tokens on the table:
The Light Token: It’s no big deal.
The Heavy Token: It’s the end of the world.
The rule is simple: whichever token you pick up, the other person often feels compelled to pick up the one that remains.
When your CEO comes to you stressed and you immediately grab the light token by saying, “It’s no big deal. We’re fine,” you leave them holding the heavy token
You think you are being a calm, steady leader. But psychologist Marsha Linehan, who developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy, demonstrated the importance of balancing change with validation.2
Validation does not mean agreeing with everything someone thinks. It means recognizing what is understandable or true in their experience before trying to change their perspective.
When you bypass someone’s concern and leap straight to the silver lining, you may accidentally give them a second problem. Now they are stressed and feel responsible for proving to you that the situation really is serious.
They grab the heavy token more tightly.
The Experiment
To be clear, I don’t think it’s a great idea to pick up the heavy token, join them in catastrophizing and say, "YUP, it’s the end of the world." The move is to acknowledge the grain of truth in their response. You want to de-escalate the tension while validating the emotion. Here is a simple play to try:
1. Validate Without Escalating
The next time your manager raises a stressful issue, resist the urge to immediately reach for the light token. Instead, identify what is reasonable about their concern and say it out loud.
If they seem panicked about revenue targets, I would not say: “I’m panicking too. This is really bad.”
I might say: “If I looked at our Q3 revenue target and saw where we were currently tracking, I would have questions too. I understand why you’re flagging this.”
You want to show them that they are not the only person who sees the gap.
2. Present Choices
Once you acknowledge the concern, they no longer have to spend the conversation convincing you that it is real.
That creates more room to return to executive decision-making and discuss what to do next. Notice the difference between these two responses to a CEO’s concern about revenue:
Option 1: "We’re fine. We’re doing X, Y, and Z." (Feel how defensive this sounds?)
Option 2: "If I looked at our Q3 revenue tracking, I would have some questions, too. I get why you're flagging this. The way I see it, we have a few solid options to close the gap. We are currently doing X, Y, and Z..."
The Takeaway
There are small moments that make a massive impact on your influence. Many of them live in the very first thing out of your mouth in response to another person's stress.
Validation means recognizing what is understandable or true in someone’s experience before trying to change their perspective. When you validate a frustrated leader without escalating, you signal that you get it. You are showing your CEO or manager they aren't living in an alternate universe. You help them put down the heavy token.
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