The Problem

If I distilled my coaching into a single insight it would be this:

The majority of professional dysfunction stems from the inner critic. 

That voice in your head that’s hard on you. And equally hard on the people around you. The inner critic spins up stories, judgments, and assumptions that little-by-little erode your leadership effectiveness. It shapes your behavior in ways that chip away at your credibility and influence.

Here’s how it might show up:

You don’t ask for help
Inner Critic (IC): “I should be able to figure this out on my own.”

You avoid hard conversations
IC: “They’ll be mad. It will be terrible.”

You’re rigid in the face of new information
IC: “If I change my mind, I’ll look weak.”

You don’t speak up
IC: “No one else is saying it, it must not be important. The moment’s passed anyway.”

You talk too much
IC: “I need to sound smart. Let me keep going.”

You sacrifice the basics: sleep, exercise, health
IC: “Rest is for people who’ve earned it. You’re not there yet.”

You create unnecessary adversaries
IC: “They’re just trying to make me look bad.”

You waste time in the aftermath
IC: “Ugh, I can’t believe I did that. I should have done X. I can’t believe they did that. They should have done Y. Unbelievable.”

If any of this sounds familiar, you know the inner critic creates static, robs you of clarity. It keeps you from doing the very things that build trust: telling the truth, asking for support, changing your mind when new information comes in. Instead, you chase perfection and eventually burn out.

But I don’t actually think the inner critic is the real problem.

Avoiding the inner critic is the real problem.

The inner critic is uncomfortable. So you try to outrun it. You try to tune it out. 

Rather than pausing to examine what’s fueling the inner critic, you keep moving. You bury the discomfort in busyness, perfectionism, or silence. But ignoring the inner critic doesn’t make it go away. It just drives the behavior underground, where it lurks and quietly shapes your decision-making and relationships.

You don’t want to be the kind of leader who avoids tough conversations. So instead of facing that avoidance head-on, you pretend the conversation isn’t necessary.
You don’t want to admit you’re overwhelmed. So you keep saying yes, then resent everyone for how stretched you feel.

The result? You stay stuck in the very patterns that erode your influence: hesitation, overcorrection, second-guessing—until leadership becomes a very lonely place.

The Discovery

For a long time, I thought the inner critic was a problem to solve. I just wanted it to go away. Over time, I realized the inner critic isn’t a problem, it’s a signal.

When I worked in sales, my job at the start of a relationship was to help the buyer get clear on the challenge they were facing. If they weren’t clear on their challenge, they definitely weren’t going to invest time, money, or energy to solve it. So, I helped them dig into the specifics—what exactly wasn’t working, who else it affected, and what it was costing them.

And when we talked about what it was costing them, I didn’t just mean the logistical cost (things move slower). I also meant the emotional cost (I feel stressed, overlooked, incompetent, frustrated, alone.)

Eventually, I took a similar approach with myself and one of my biggest challenges: quieting my inner critic. I used the same curiosity I had for buyers and turned it inward. I examined the specifics of my inner critic: when it showed up, who else was involved, and what it was costing me – logistically and emotionally.

My inner critic tends to flare up when I think I have something to prove. When I stay quiet, then spiral afterward. When a relationship feels fragile and I don’t know where I stand.

And it’s not just critical of me. Sometimes it turns on others, too.

A missed deadline? They’re lazy.
A question? They’re challenging my credibility.

In some circles, it feels more acceptable to be judgmental of yourself than judgmental of others. For me, both versions come from the same root: fear.
Fear of not being respected. Fear of being dismissed. Fear of having all the worst stories I tell myself confirmed.

I realized my inner critic is trying to protect me from failure and vulnerability. But it’s clumsy. It takes wild guesses, wanting me to act how it thinks someone else wants me to act, based on nothing.

I know I’m in the grip of the inner critic when my husband catches me muttering to myself in the kitchen. Just me?

The major turning point in learning how to quiet my inner critic was deciding to stop trying to outrun it, and instead turn towards it with curiosity. When I stopped running, I gave myself the space to recognize my inner critic’s patterns without judgment, which changed everything.

You see, I still hear what the inner critic says. But now I don’t have to believe it.

The Experiment

When your inner critic gets loud, the impulse can be to avoid it. You may distract yourself with something you know you can do instead of facing uncertainty. You may try to push harder. Fast forward. Outrun the discomfort. But that avoidance gives the critic its power. Like a monster in the closet, it’s scarier when you don’t open the door.

What if you slowed down, and turned toward your inner critic with curiosity? What if you studied your inner critic like a pattern worth understanding?

Because if you don’t first get clear on your challenge, you won’t invest time, money, or energy to change it.

Here’s one way to begin:

Step 1: Notice when your inner critic shows up.
Who did it show up with? Peer, boss? Boss’ boss? Direct report? Cross functional lead?
What about the interaction stirred up the inner critic?
Was it in a 1:1? Group? In-person? Email?
Was the inner critic loudest before the interaction, anticipating the worst? During, when you couldn’t find your words? Or after, when you were kicking yourself in regret?

Step 2: Study your inner critic’s patterns.
Is the inner critic critical of you, others, both?
What does it tend to say – does it have a favorite phrase?
What’s its tone of voice?
Who does it remind you of?
What metaphor or image captures its vibe?

Step 3: Quantify the cost.
How does the inner critic get in the way of your influence?
What’s the logistical cost? (You don’t speak, ask for help, etc.)
What’s the emotional cost? (You feel…)
What’s the relational cost? (The ripple effects on trust and collaboration with people you depend on)

Step 3: Ask it some questions.
What is your inner critic trying to protect?
What story is it telling, and is that story actually true?
What permission do you need that it’s not giving you?

Step 4: Give it a name.
Creating distance helps. Give your inner critic a name. Something accurate, absurd, or both. Avoid using your own name. Name it so you can call it out easily. Sometimes naming it makes it less menacing. I’m not giving you examples on purpose. There is creativity inside you just waiting to come out if you let it. Have some fun. 

The Takeaway

The goal isn’t to silence the inner critic. I don’t think that’s possible or even wise. It’s there for a reason. It tends to show up when you’re in unfamiliar territory or feeling vulnerable. That’s useful information. It means you’re stretching.

So when the inner critic gets loud, don’t run. Try acknowledging it. Ask what it’s trying to protect. Check its assumptions. Then decide what’s actually true.

In sales I learned something simple: When a buyer resists, ignoring the resistance doesn’t build trust. Naming the resistance does. That’s what moves the conversation forward.

Turns out, the same thing works inside our own heads.

2. The Goings On

I delivered my 1000th coaching hour a couple months ago, but have only made time recently to reflect on the milestone. When I started Inner Radio, I imagined building a little world where people discovered how to lead with more of their own honesty, courage, and play.

Over the last few years, the people I’ve worked with aren’t looking for quick fixes. They’re thoughtful, curious, and hungry.

They come to coaching in pursuit of understanding themselves and others more fully. They face their inner critics with honesty. They dream big and do the hard things with courage. They experiment strategically, committed to the iterative process of self discovery.

Every time I get to coach someone like this, I feel deeply grateful. Amazed by the creativity that flows out when they choose to listen in. 

A few clients shared their experience working with me. These words mean so much because one thing I say at the beginning of a coaching engagement and repeat throughout is: Coaching is only as strong as the relationship we build.

These reflections speak to the depth of work I am lucky to do alongside these incredible leaders. They remind me what’s possible when we tune into that steady signal and lead from there.

Happy 1000th hour, Inner Radio 💚

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