The Problem

You slipped up. Maybe you came off more defensive than you intended, more upset than you planned, or simply less graceful than you hoped. You inadvertently pushed your teammate away—and now your inner critic is having a field day. "Good leaders don’t do that.  You must not be a good leader." Even though it seems like your teammate has moved on, you’re still thinking about how you behaved. You’re wondering if they are too. This wondering turns into a weight, creating distance between you, and suddenly you have no idea where to go from here.

This was a cycle I lived in for years. I convinced myself that to be a good leader, I had to always be positive, happy, and calm. People responded positively to my positivity, so I expected myself to always live up to that. Negative emotions? I assumed they’d only push people away. So I held them in, thinking I was protecting my relationships by staying upbeat. But here’s what happened when I held back: people smelled it. Others sensed my hesitation, and they pulled away. The distance between us grew, only making me feel more anxious, more disconnected.

Then, when the pressure finally became too much, I’d snap. I’d lash out, pushing whoever was on the receiving end further away. But the worst part wasn’t the flare-up—it was the assumption I made afterward. I assumed that once I lost my temper or let my frustration out, the relationship was over. I had ruined it. And so, I treated the relationship like it was doomed, which only made it worse. That relationship I wanted to preserve so badly? Gone. And the cycle continued, both in my personal and professional life, reinforcing my belief that negative feelings always lead to negative consequences—and there was no going back.

The Discovery

It wasn’t until I took—and later facilitated—a class at Stanford Graduate School of Business on building effective relationships that I learned the power of repair. Instead of avoiding the discomfort of a negative interaction, I learned that facing it head-on can actually strengthen a relationship. When I realized I had acted in a way that unintentionally hurt someone, I didn’t need to shy away from it, I needed to go back and address it. This is where the magic of repair comes in.

Repair isn’t a hollow apology, it’s about showing my teammate (or anyone I’ve affected) that I care enough to go back, check in, and try to make things okay. That simple act of repairing—of re-establishing a connection—has become one of the most important relationship skills I’ve learned.

Why is repair so crucial? Let me illustrate how often I misdirect my frustration by sharing five ways I unfairly get mad at my husband:

1. I’m mad at him, but I’m actually mad at myself.

2. I’m mad at him, but deep down I actually feel incompetent (and vulnerable).

3. I’m mad at him, but I’m really mad at the situation.

4. I’m mad at him, but I’m mad about something unrelated that just happened.

5. I’m mad at him because I asked for something, and he gave it to me. (“Will you read my newsletter draft and tell me what you think?”)

When I get unfairly mad at my husband, I need the skill of repair to smooth things over rather than let unresolved feelings fester and drive a wedge between us. The same goes for my professional relationships. Once I started practicing repair more regularly with my colleagues and teammates, the best part was the utter relief I felt learning that I don’t have to be perfect. I can mess up, create conflict, and not ruin everything. I learned that friction, when handled with curiosity and vulnerability, deepens relationships more than anything I know.

The Experiment

So, if you’re in the market for a different approach to repair a relationship after a flare-up (whether big or small), here’s what works for me — and many of the leaders I coach:

1. Examine the situation

When work is moving a thousand miles a minute, you may not make time to slow down and ask, “what was happening for me?” Without reflection, negative assumptions about the other person can take hold and act like a runaway blame train, making it even harder to come back and repair. Give yourself some space to reflect and ask yourself:

• What was really going on for me? 

• What story was I telling myself about the situation? 

• What emotions were really swirling – frustration, confusion, hurt, or embarrassment? 

• Was my behavior actually about the person, or was it about me or a situation outside my control?

Reactions can happen so quickly. Sometimes, there’s only time to make sense of them afterward. The more I reflect, the easier it becomes to cut myself some slack. Instead of harshly judging myself ("You're a terrible leader"), I think, "Okay, this makes sense now." That’s when I feel ready to initiate the repair.

2. Initiate the repair

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing how to kick off the conversation. Some leaders gets stuck here. Let’s say you’re clear on what happened for you, but as you’re thinking about reaching out to your teammate, the inner critic shows up with a bunch of excuses not to. The inner critic’s message boils down to: “Am I going to make this weird? Are they going to see me as weak?”

If your inner critic is acting up, let’s flip the script. If a teammate who snapped at you came back and said:

“Hey, I’m so glad you called, I’ve been thinking about you and our last conversation. I can see how I frustrated you. I came off mad at you when I was really mad at myself for not remembering X. I feel badly about how I showed up and wanted to see how you’re feeling about it.”

Would you think they’re weird? Weak? Didn’t think so. So, when you go back to your teammate to initiate repair, share what you’ve been reflecting on:

"I was more combative than I intended to be." 

“I’m so glad you called, I’ve been thinking about you and how we left things off.”

This gesture opens the door for an honest conversation. It signals to your teammate that you aren’t here to fight, you’re here to make amends. 

3. Connect emotionally

Conflict often happens when people don’t feel heard or seen. Skipping this step means you go right into explaining yourself, and you may end up explaining yourself until you’re blue in the face. Sequencing is critical. Connecting emotionally first allows the explanation to be heard. People are often a lot more understanding when they feel understood.

“I know that probably didn’t feel great.” [pause]

“I can see how I disappointed you.” [pause]

Acknowledging the other person’s feelings shows you’re taking a different approach this round. Feel free to take your time, even linger, here. This is the crux of repair.

4. Explain, don’t excuse

Offer context for your behavior. This is where more of your self-reflection comes in:

“I was feeling really frustrated about a call earlier, and I let that frustration spill over.”

“I was really mad at myself that I should have remembered to tell you, but I forgot.” 

Explanation has its place when rooted in self-awareness and ownership. Keep this part concise. It’s easy to go long and veer into defensive territory.

5. Connect emotionally

Again? Yes, again.

“I feel badly about how I came off. I’ve been wondering whether it bothered you and wanted to clear the air.”

“I’m excited about what we’re building together and am so glad I get to build with you. I don’t want my behavior to cause any tension between us.”

Here’s where you stop talking. You’ve done the work, you’ve made your ask for repair. Now it’s time to listen.

6. Be open to their reaction

You may feel eager for this whole repair business to be tied up so you can move on. If your teammate isn’t quite ready and needs more time, getting mad all over again simply restarts the the cycle without repair. The more cycles you go without repair, the tougher it is to come back. Resist the urge to rush the process

“If we don’t resolve everything today, that’s okay. What was important to me was to reach out and let you know that I’d like to.”

“I understand you’re not ready to talk about this yet. Just know that I care about how you’re feeling, and I’m here whenever you’re ready. I really want us to work through this.”

This openness shows respect for their process while reaffirming your desire to repair the relationship. Sometimes, just giving them the space to respond in their own time can deepen trust and signal your commitment to the long-term health of the relationship.

The Takeaway 

Repairing relationships is a skill, some may say a lost art these days. It is vulnerable and a bit scary, but it’s a powerful tool. Repair gives you the freedom to show up more as yourself and the confidence to handle the messy parts of being a leader.

A client recently shared how incredible it felt to repair with a colleague she hadn’t spoken to in years. They’d had a falling out, but when they reconnected, they both expressed how much they appreciated the chance to resolve things. She said, “We rarely get to do this in life.” But the truth is, repair doesn’t have to be so rare.

For years, I assumed that once I showed an unflattering side of myself, the relationship was over. But I learned that relationships don’t have to end just because we show our frustrations. What matters is what we do next.

Repairing a relationship isn’t always easy, but it’s almost always possible—it’s just a matter of choosing it.

2. The Goings On

Our nanny asked us what we were doing for Valentine’s Day, and I responded with a shrug. Apparently, that was the wrong answer. “You’re young—you need to celebrate together,” she said. And just like that, she generously offered to watch our daughter so we could enjoy a good old-fashioned dinner date. In fact, she was the second person that week to encourage us to take some time for ourselves, so I guess we really needed it.

If you follow me, you know I used to manage a restaurant in NYC, so going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day is never my first choice. Every couple thinks they’re the most special couple, which is true, and also makes for a chaotic dining experience. So, we celebrated Valentine’s a week later at our favorite Italian spot. Two cocktails, two bowls of pasta, and two scoops of ice cream later, we were happy as clams.

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