💚 Welcome to the weekly newsletter for ambitious leaders staying sharp and staying human in the age of AI.

Every edition is:

📬 If you like this, share it with a fellow leader. It’s a low-lift way to stay connected to the people you care about when your calendar has zero room for 30-minute Zoom catch ups.

I’ve been sitting in the buyer's seat recently. It has been a humbling reminder of just how nuanced influence and sales really are.

Because influence is sales. In your role as a leader, you are selling constantly—especially to people you don’t have authority over. And it is incredibly easy for your eagerness to build rapport to accidentally push people away. Ultimately, influence comes down to understanding exactly how your framing makes the other person feel.

Welcome to Part 1 of this 3-part series: The Buyer's Seat. 

Inspired by my trip down buyer’s lane, I am breaking down some well-intentioned traps leaders fall into when trying to build trust.

Today, we start with Trap #1.

I call it the Unearned Favor.

It happens when a vendor tells me: "Normally, my enterprise rate is a gajillion dollars, but for you, I’ll do it for $1." 

The intent behind this is they want to give me a deal, they want me to feel special.

But what I actually hear is: "You’re small. I could be making a lot more money with my time elsewhere, so I am doing you a massive favor."

I am suddenly indebted to them, and we haven’t even started working together yet. Instead of feeling like a proud partner they want to feature on their highlight reel, I feel like a back-alley deal.

In David Rock’s SCARF model¹—a framework for understanding how the brain responds to social interactions—the human brain processes social threats and rewards with the exact same intensity as physical pain and pleasure.

One of the strongest levers in this model is status: our relative importance, respect, and standing in relation to others.

When you say, "I usually charge a gajillion dollars, but I'll make an exception for you," you can trigger a status threat. You are signaling that you are the big deal, and they are the burden.

This dynamic happens in internal leadership all the time. We try to build rapport by doing our peers or direct reports a solid, but we inadvertently diminish their status.

Here are three ways we accidentally trigger a status threat, and how to create a status reward instead:

1. The Cross-Function Exception

We think we are being flexible, but we are actually making our peer feel like a burden.

The Shift: Move from a special exception to a clean, equal-footing commitment.

Instead of: "I usually don't have my engineers do this, but I'll make an exception for your team."

Try: "Here is the constraint we are working with, and here is exactly what my team can commit to doing for you by Friday."

2. The Delegation Gift

We think we are offering a career opportunity, but we are actually handing over a guilt-ridden obligation.

The Shift: Move from “I pulled strings for you” to validating how they earned the work.

Instead of: "I had to fight to get you this visibility with the board."

Try: "This project has high board visibility. I chose you for it because of how you handled the Q3 campaign rollout. What do you need from me to run with it?"

3. The Martyr’s Timeline

We think we are showing dedication, but we are actually forcing the other person to feel guilty for our lack of boundaries.

The Shift: Move from highlighting your sacrifice to simply delivering the goods.

Instead of: "I worked all weekend to get this deck to you by Monday morning."

Try: "Here is the deck. I’d love your thoughts on slide 4 when you have a second."

I’ve dished out the unearned favor plenty of times before realizing people don't want to feel like your side project or a secret favor you're keeping from the rest of the company. They want the interaction to feel above board. Like you are genuinely proud to work together. Like they are on your highlight reel.

Next week in Part 2 of The Buyer's Seat, we are looking at why telling people you've seen their exact problem a million times is the quick way to get them to pull back.

Join the community of leaders staying sharp
and saying human in the age of AI.