Five Feedback Fumbles And How To Fix Them

1. Five Feedback Fumbles And How To Fix Them

One of life’s universal truths: giving effective feedback is tough.

Giving feedback is tough because giving feedback is vulnerable, and vulnerability is tough. The feedback we give says so much about us. When we share feedback that says so much about us, we open the door for the feedback recipient to have all sorts of reactions.

Common worries I hear in my practice about giving feedback are:

• Worry the recipient will feel angry

• Worry the recipient will feel confused

• Worry the recipient will feel hurt

• Worry the recipient will feel indifferent

The irony is worrying so much about these reactions stunts our ability to give effective feedback and actually leads to the recipient feeling the emotions we wanted to avoid so badly in the first place. Here are a few flavors of ineffective feedback to avoid and ideas for what to do instead:

1. Stealth Mode

Feedback so undercover, no one knows it was actually given. We side-step, talk-around, skirt, shuffle, and trip over ourselves by saying everything but the feedback we have to give. 

Early in my career I received direct feedback that saved me from losing my job. I knew I had been making some mistakes, but thought mistakes were part of learning. The possibility of being fired hadn’t entered my mind until my boss said, “This role might not work out for you.” Only then did I understand how my learning was actually underperforming. Long story short is that this wake-up call was the turning point that led me to be successful in the role. Without understanding in crystal clear terms what was at stake, I might have just continued learning until the day I was fired. 

Idea: Share what’s at stake. If someone’s project is going to get cut without improved performance, tell them. It might be a shock, but it gives them the whole story and a chance to turn things around. 

2. The Avalanche

Feedback that is actually 5 pieces of feedback at once. The recipient gets buried in the avalanche, probably only hearing the first thing we say and missing the rest. 

Avalanche feedback comes about when we hold back what we have to say. By the time we collect our thoughts and our courage to share the feedback, the list of things to give feedback on is too darn long. In an effort to stop the list from getting even longer, we share it all. 

Idea: Start early and with inquiry. If you notice a behavior that is problematic for you, ask about it rather than judge it. Find out what’s behind the behavior. You very well may uncover how you are contributing to the problematic behavior and resolve the issue right there, before the feedback list snowballs out of control. 

3. The Piñata

Feedback from many people in quick succession. There’s only one piece of feedback, but multiple people need to say their version of it even though it was just said by the prior person, and the person before that, and the person before that. Akin to being a piñata and getting smacked around by the same piece of feedback repeatedly. 

Idea: Call it out. Piñata feedback happens in group settings. Don’t be the person who has to get their version of the feedback in. Be the person who jumps in with, “Jen has received similar feedback from a few different people now. Jen, how is it landing, do you have any reactions or questions?”

4. The Game of Telephone

Feedback that is initially from one person, then that person suddenly says “other people on the team think this too.” Telephone feedback can happen when we want to add credibility to our feedback. We don’t trust that our sharing the feedback is enough, so to be extra convincing, we share how so many other people also agree with us, even the recipient’s skip level manager. The impact is we essentially say the team has been talking behind closed doors about the recipient. Fun!

Idea: Deliver your own feedback. If someone has feedback for your direct report, encourage the person who has the feedback to give it directly, especially between peers. If you are in the position of wanting to share skip level manager feedback to your direct report, find the overlap in the venn diagram of the skip level manager’s feedback and your feedback for the recipient and deliver it as your own. Skip the “he said she said.”

5. The Speech

Feedback that is read aloud from a typed sheet of paper (really, this has happened). Speech feedback comes from a place of wanting to be thoughtful and thorough, but doesn’t consider that feedback is an exchange, not a one-way speech. Speech feedback also tends to be long (hence why it is typed and read), not because there are so many pieces of feedback (avalanche feedback), but because the feedback giver has written a novel laying out every detail about the situation. The recipient never hears the ending because they get lost 2 pages in. 

Idea: Make feedback a dialogue. Remember, you have part of the story and another important part of the story lies with the feedback recipient. Keep the initial feedback short and leave room to understand the recipient’s motivations for the behavior in question. 

Self-awareness is a critical step to growth, so if you recognize yourself in any of these feedback flavors, you aren’t doomed. You’re taking an important step to strengthen your feedback effectiveness.

2. Recommendation

Matt Abrahams is a lecturer in strategic communication at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and host of the Think Fast Talk Smart podcast. The episode with Kim Scott of Radical Candor had me snapping my fingers, especially around her take on feedback. Kim says the question, “Do you have any feedback for me?” doesn’t work and you know how much I agree. You also know I’m a sucker for empty questions. The question she asks instead: What can I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me? 

It looks like I was not the only one enjoying this episode immensely. It was nominated for a webby and if you liked it as much as I did, you can vote here. 

3. The Goings On

Last year I had the pleasure of giving a talk at Ascend NorCal’s Inspiring Across Generations conference celebrating AAPI women in leadership. This year I got to go as a lucky participant. I came away with lots of inspiration and connections, which I expected. What I did not expect was to come away with a new ritual I now start my day with regularly. In the breakout session called Navigating Work-Life Harmony, Dr. Clayton McClintock led us through simple movements grounded in qigong. After just a few minutes my body felt heavier, in a good way, as if I was more grounded, more solid. My mind was more relaxed. I felt more open toward the others around me as we were moving in synchrony. The experience reminded me that my body is an important part of me to pay attention to. Whenever I slow my motions, deepen my breathing, and notice my weight transfer, I harness a calm and readiness that I take into the day.

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio, a leadership coaching company working with executives hungry to define their leadership style, build effective interpersonal relationships, and harness the power of team. She facilitates communication and leadership courses with Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and is a CEO coach for Berkeley Haas’ CEO program. Her work has been published in the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post. She believes in the rules of radio: clarity, simplicity, and personality. You can’t speak and listen at the same time.