How To Respond To Awkward Feedback

1. How To Respond To Awkward Feedback

We often think of good communicators as people who can share feedback effectively. One of the overlooked parts of being a good communicator is knowing how to respond to awkward feedback gracefully and see a person who is struggling because giving feedback is scary for so many of us.

I recently wrote about types of clumsy feedback – Stealth Mode, The Piñata, Telephone feedback, and others. Naming these patterns helps us as feedback givers avoid alluring traps that prevent our feedback from having the impact we want. What the feedback fumbles have in common is they result from our not sharing what’s going on for us clearly and directly. (A few suggestions for how to make feedback more clear and direct here). 

There is an equally important reason for feedback receivers to recognize feedback faux pas. When receiving ineffective feedback, we can feel an instantaneous jolt to respond defensively.

Thank you for the feedback…[insert explanation of my point of view]

or sometimes we just freeze.

Thank you for the feedback…[silence]

My challenge for you this month is to find another way to respond to clumsy feedback with something other than, “Thank you for the feedback.” I have found this response to be a little cold and a little sterile. In the worst case scenario it can be heard as a “bug off.” 

Here are a few ways to respond to awkward feedback with a touch more warmth. The hope is these options give you as the feedback receiver time to emotionally regulate before diving into the conversation. And, by responding with something easier to interpret than “thank you for the feedback,” the feedback giver can relax a bit, too. The result is both people continue the conversation more ready for an exchange rather than a battle.

Find a phrase you know will be true

If the feedback was a real shock, you might be reeling. If you’re like me, your brain might have just turned into scrambled eggs. Buy yourself a few moments to recover. That could be:

• This is a little tough to hear

• I know you’re sharing this because you care about our team (our mission, my learning, my growth, etc.)

• It sounds like I’m doing / I did something that’s bothering you

Find a phrase that asks for a pause

We often feel pressured to respond immediately after receiving feedback. In my sales days, if my prospect asked me something I truly needed a moment to think about, I would say, “Let me think about that for a moment” and would stop talking for a few seconds as I composed my thoughts. I found this to build trust in the relationship. It showed I was present in the conversation taking what they said seriously. The phrase can be a simple as:

• Let me take a moment to soak that in

• Give me a second to reflect on what you said

• I want to process that for a minute

Find a phrase that shows you care

At the end of the day we must simply let go of expectations to meet everyone’s feedback requests. People might have conflicting feedback for us. We might decide the changes someone asks of us are impossible to make. Or the changes might be possible to make, but at too large a cost to us. What we can commit to is a desire to find a path forward, regardless of how the actual path shakes out. This might sound like:

• I’d like to figure this out

• I’d like to find a way to work together better

• I’d like to find a way for you to feel supported

This is all to say, you have options. These phrases can work well in combination, but you’ll need to remember them when you’re in a jarring moment, so keep them short. Mine might look like:

Give me a second to reflect on what you said because I’d like to figure it out together…(pause)

It’s tough to hear I’m doing something that’s really bugging you. Let me take a moment to process what you shared…(pause)

Clumsy feedback is a thing that happens between us because we’re human. By preparing what we might say when (not if) it happens, we can give ourselves time to regulate our emotions and soothe the sting just enough to respond the way we want to. Remember, your phrases have to sound like you, not me. Make this your own and let me know how it goes.

2. Recommendation

The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White, illustrated by Maira Kalman.

I was embarrassed when I found out The Elements of Style was the timeless guide on how to write with more clarity and color. I was embarrassed because I thought it was the name of a college band. It was, but I was clueless at the time that the band borrowed its name from the book. I have since read and revisited the book frequently and find its countless gems to also apply to approaching life with more clarity and color:

“Put statements in positive form.
Use the word not as a means of denial or in antithesis, never as a means of evasion…Consciously or unconsciously, the reader is dissatisfied with being told only what is not; the reader wishes to be told what is.”

This lesson strikes a chord because in my coaching practice, clients will often say, “I don’t want to be this or that” or “I don’t want to do this or that.” My response is, “How do you want to be?” “What do you want to do?” Putting statements in positive form is an exercise in self-awareness that gets people clearer about what they mean. It turns out the writer is also more satisfied when sharing what is instead of what isn’t.

3. The Goings On

Co-active Training Institute (CTI) is a coach-training with over 150,000 members. To celebrate International Coaching Week, CTI asked me to talk about my coaching journey — what I wish I knew as I started coaching and the transformation I’ve seen in clients and myself. The interview looks like it took place in the middle of the night because it did, at 4 a.m. my time. One of the many perks of being a new mom is that time is an illusion and any time is a good time for feeding a baby or recording an interview. Feeling grateful to be invited to share my story.

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio, a leadership coaching company working with executives hungry to define their leadership style, build effective interpersonal relationships, and harness the power of team. She facilitates communication and leadership courses with Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and is a CEO coach for Berkeley Haas’ CEO program. Her work has been published in the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post.